Apologies for being inactive💎.But I'm back. I'd say bigger and better but I'm a small skinny girl so I'll just stick to BETTER🌋⚡.
So..Self Forgiveness.
It is simpling Letting Go.This is a very personal article for me,beacuse I've had a very tough time trying to forgive myself for the things I've done and for the things I've not.Self Forgiveness is letting yourself not blame yourself anylonger...Letting a burden go.A thing that you've been dragging along all your life or maybe half really probably quater 😂well whatever it's been there.
Forgiving yourself is more of making peace with the person you have now become.You might be struggling to change to grow to get better but inside you are still bitter,over the past over who you are.Like Ken Gomeri says,there is a struggle between the person you are an the person you are trying to become.
Suicide had been on my mind like a drug.😂 How do I put it? I was suicidal...Okay that sounds serious,kinda yeah?. For the people who know me, I'm a jumpy person, I laugh a lot,I talk so much,I have psych like all the time, I'm always full of life.People have always known me like that.My primary school life was close to perfect, I perfomed well and everything was beautiful.By God's grace I went to Kabarak,another good high school too. Having 406 in KCPE eveeerrryyyoonnnneee has high expectations with you.So that was me, my parents,teachers,friends and so many more people.So when high school kicked off i was good,or averagely good somewhere there.Then something happened,I don't know at what point exactly but things just changed. I focused on being "popular" more than my studies so it pulled me down but I didn't notice much,so many things were going on in my life.It was around that point in time I started loosing weight,a lot of drama also was going on in my life,It was around that time also that I started comparing myself with other girls.Never in my life had i known how much "ass" meant to people till around then.In form 3 things became worse, my parents were pressuring me to perform well, I read but don't get anything.Teachers didn't like me.I was betrayed by one of my best friends also at that time.And I was SERIOUSLY cutting weight.All the time I went home my parents would say how thin I was getting.Or neighbors or friends.Everyone was commenting on it.My skin is also not that good I have spots all over,so I became insecure.Day by day I got more and more insecure. My "ass" was getting smaller,my collar bones started showing it was just bad.(in my head)Then. my acne also and acne scars.People just wouldn't stop commenting."The world would be a better place without me" that was it. I was simply tired,Just tired.Tired of failing in class,ridicule by teachers,my skin my weight all the drama,pressure from parents.It was getting heavier and heavier and I was so so tired. I don't know how many of you relate but have you ever felt like walking across the road ignoring the cars so that when you are knocked and die no one knows it's suicide.I crossed so many roads carelessly.The worst part was not being understood. Everyone thinks that I'm always okay I'm always laughing. People came to me with their problems and never asked "Cynthia how are you doing today,how does it feel".And it was so painful for me.Luckily God sent one of his angels to me ;John. Sometimes God speaks to you through people.Some days he didn't know what was going on with me but he always reminded me of who I was.And I prayed day in day out,I prayed that God give me strength to push on with life. Some days I sat and yes I blamed myself for cutting, I blamed myself for self shame, I blamed myself for not working hard enough , I blamed myself for looking at myself in that mirror saying "the world would be a better place without me" I blamed myself for self harm.BUT not anymore.
I've had enough and I'm letting it go.
I'm working on the person I am becoming.And me too just like you maybe, I'm trying to make peace with my past.That's the only way I'm gonna live with myself.
So it's okay not to be okay❤ But seat yourself down and have a talk with the things that used to be your demons don't let them hold you back again.
This is my story #iforgivemyself
Forgiving yourself is more of making peace with the person you have now become.You might be struggling to change to grow to get better but inside you are still bitter,over the past over who you are.Like Ken Gomeri says,there is a struggle between the person you are an the person you are trying to become.
Suicide had been on my mind like a drug.😂 How do I put it? I was suicidal...Okay that sounds serious,kinda yeah?. For the people who know me, I'm a jumpy person, I laugh a lot,I talk so much,I have psych like all the time, I'm always full of life.People have always known me like that.My primary school life was close to perfect, I perfomed well and everything was beautiful.By God's grace I went to Kabarak,another good high school too. Having 406 in KCPE eveeerrryyyoonnnneee has high expectations with you.So that was me, my parents,teachers,friends and so many more people.So when high school kicked off i was good,or averagely good somewhere there.Then something happened,I don't know at what point exactly but things just changed. I focused on being "popular" more than my studies so it pulled me down but I didn't notice much,so many things were going on in my life.It was around that point in time I started loosing weight,a lot of drama also was going on in my life,It was around that time also that I started comparing myself with other girls.Never in my life had i known how much "ass" meant to people till around then.In form 3 things became worse, my parents were pressuring me to perform well, I read but don't get anything.Teachers didn't like me.I was betrayed by one of my best friends also at that time.And I was SERIOUSLY cutting weight.All the time I went home my parents would say how thin I was getting.Or neighbors or friends.Everyone was commenting on it.My skin is also not that good I have spots all over,so I became insecure.Day by day I got more and more insecure. My "ass" was getting smaller,my collar bones started showing it was just bad.(in my head)Then. my acne also and acne scars.People just wouldn't stop commenting."The world would be a better place without me" that was it. I was simply tired,Just tired.Tired of failing in class,ridicule by teachers,my skin my weight all the drama,pressure from parents.It was getting heavier and heavier and I was so so tired. I don't know how many of you relate but have you ever felt like walking across the road ignoring the cars so that when you are knocked and die no one knows it's suicide.I crossed so many roads carelessly.The worst part was not being understood. Everyone thinks that I'm always okay I'm always laughing. People came to me with their problems and never asked "Cynthia how are you doing today,how does it feel".And it was so painful for me.Luckily God sent one of his angels to me ;John. Sometimes God speaks to you through people.Some days he didn't know what was going on with me but he always reminded me of who I was.And I prayed day in day out,I prayed that God give me strength to push on with life. Some days I sat and yes I blamed myself for cutting, I blamed myself for self shame, I blamed myself for not working hard enough , I blamed myself for looking at myself in that mirror saying "the world would be a better place without me" I blamed myself for self harm.BUT not anymore.
I've had enough and I'm letting it go.
I'm working on the person I am becoming.And me too just like you maybe, I'm trying to make peace with my past.That's the only way I'm gonna live with myself.
So it's okay not to be okay❤ But seat yourself down and have a talk with the things that used to be your demons don't let them hold you back again.
This is my story #iforgivemyself
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