Dear Woman 🥀

Dear Woman,
I write this letter to you.
Listen.
You're beautiful, you're worth all the stars in the sky, you're more than any silver, gold or diamond and most of all you're enough. I know the presence of other women's beauty makes you doubt that of your own. I know that there are days you work so much on your diet to change your body type. I know there are days you stay up late looking at tutorials on “how to make skin glow". I know there are days you wear clothes so small just to expose your body and other days you put on so many clothes just to cover what you're ashamed of. I know all this cause I'm a woman just like you and I do too.
But you know what? It's okay, it's really okay to do all these things, you don't have to hide or be ashamed about all this.
It's okay to change your diet for you to look a certain way if it makes YOU more comfortable. It's okay to want to gain weight and it's okay to want to lose weight. It's okay to buy expensive products to make your skin better and to try out new things on your skin. It's fine to buy Make up and feel good about how you look. It's really okay to show off your skin and it's okay to cover it up.
Bottom line is; you're comfortable.
You're doing this for you and not for us. Not for society not for other people not cause someone told you you're not enough. Cause you are.

You're enough and you're more than enough. You're bright, you're intelligent pyou're so beautiful and you're so precious.
In all your little ways,YOU ARE.
You'll be so amazed when you stop paying attention to all your “flaws" to all the things you've labelled “your weaknesses",  “your ugly sides".

I'm sorry that society has put so many expectations on what the beauty bar is. I hope you'll learn that no one else defines you, no one has the right to.
You're beautiful in your own way, you really are.
                  ~yours truly,
                     The Struggler.

18;LEGALITY⛔

I must admit growing up has been more of a roller coaster than I thought it would be 🌪🌪.

When I was younger I knew I wanted to be a fashion model ,then at a point I wanted to be an Aeronautical Engineer.Then everyone told me to do Mass Communication and I did believe that I'd make the greatest News Anchor but things didn't go that way and I have been placed to do Public Policy and Administration which I know nothing about. You can imagine how scared I am.

I know I want to change the world,I want to change perspectives on things.I want to speak to so many people and tell them what I have in mind.I also want to be wealthy, wealthy in my relationships and of course in my Bank account.

A part of me is scared that these dreams of mine won't come true. You know? What if things don't work out or I stop being ambitious or people just don't react to the kind of energy that I have?
And some days this pulls me back, it gets to my head and I don't feel like I'm processing.
But a friend of mine told me this;

“Don't stop being ambitious but also don't let it get into your head.
Ambition can make you
1. Succeed
2. Become evil
3. Get depressed and die"
     

It only helps you succeed if you contain it, taking things slowly, very slowly, looking at the workability of things, so that you remain ambitious and not get to over ambitious
A dream is something that you wake up and you want it to be reality, a vision is something that you want to take a successive path towards achieving. Don't be a dreamer, be a visionary. Because as dreamers we'd despair and be tempted to downgrade our dreams so that they match our reality, but as visionaries, we only have to upgrade our faith to match our vision"~Nyerere Ernest.
                               

It spoke volumes and I knew I wasn't alone in this and I want you to know that you're also not alone.It's okay to be scared I just hope you know you're doing your best right now so don't give up on what you're doing. Some days you'll be exhausted and so tired just don't let those days define who you are.
I know I've given up on so many things that I would be great and here I am promising myself that I'll do better from now on.
I'm turning 18 and I'm going to make the best of it. You might be 19 right now or 22 or 23 even 35 and you know you can do better and do more, then make the best of it.

11/06/18✨

DEPRESSION.

Today someone asked me what depression is like for me.
Depression is complicated.
And everyone has their own different view on it.But for me,this is it.
Depression is wanting to be alone but still wanting people to care about you.It's avoiding talking about your problems but hoping that someone notices that you're really breaking inside.Depression is laughing all day,being strong,smiling,talking,solving other people's problems,carrying the weight of the world and going to bed that night falling into pieces,trying to catch your breath in the middle of your tears and wondering who will carry your weight.

.Depression is pushing people away and expecting them to stay but still pushing and pushing and still silently begging them to stay.
It is not wanting your self and hoping that other people want you.
And sometimes you're on top of the world and the next minute you come crumbling down.One minute you're hopeful and the next you feel like you have no purpose.
Other times you feel like you need a break.
A break from life,a break from people a break from the world.Cause maybe they break you enough.And other times it's not really death you want,just a coma maybe.
The worst part of it,is that you don't choose to be that way but you still are,you don't choose to be negative but still are,you don't choose to not be okay but it's still like that over and over again.And sometimes you don't even know what the problem is,and you try finding a solution to an unknown thing or is it a feeling.
Depression is heavy.It's complicated.It's so hard.And it's so exhausting.
It's like drowning and you feel yourself sinking and you try screaming but no voice comes out,and you try swimming up but you can't and you try breathing but you also can't and slowly by slowly you feel like you're gonna lose it but hoping that someone will dive right in and save you.

That's my definition.

BODY SHAMING ⚔

I wish you could read my mind,see the comments I've pushed aside,see those I've let pull me down and all the nasty things people say about my body type 🚶🏿‍♀.

What is body shaming really?It is criticizing people because of their body types  making them feel ashamed of their  physical appearances.This makes the affected party lack confidence because of how they look or how you see them.

As much as we ignore it,it affects both men and women.I've seen "skinny" girls being told they are too bony and I've seen "fat" girls being called too thick. I've seen "fat" boys being told to get some abs and some "skinny" boys being told to grow muscles.
 It's funny how as children, we played,we used each other's toys and that was enough.That was it.
No one told us we were not enough.
No one also told us that our bodies defined us,then we started growing up.
Fat boys one side👉🏿
Skinny boys one side👈🏿
Thick girls move this way👈🏿
Skinny girls go there👉🏿.

Body Shaming makes us feel like we are not enough.
And I know how that feels.
I keep telling people my parents complain about my body,saying I'm too thin for my age.Or taking photos with curvy girls and lowkey feeling insecure knowing that my hips are not all over or my lower back side wasn't popping enough.
I might not be one of the BEST people to give this advice but I'm getting there,to that point of knowing that I'm enough and that's all I need to know.

Calling someone too thin is the same as calling someone too fat.Both are not good feelings,but you can't let that break who you are as a person. *YOU* have to know that.Building your inner self gives you a satisfaction that physical appearance doesn't.
•Build your confidence,look for your strengths. And use them as your defence mechanisms. Imagine being so confident with who you are that when someone calls you too thick, you tell them not to forget to mention you're "Too thick plus confident"
Do things that your heart wants,not which society has pushed you to do.
Finding your inner self blocks any comments that might almost break you.That works for me.
•Do what you want.
I'm not telling you to go being all overweight or starving yourself to death.But listen,if you wanna cut weight go ahead and sign up to a gym and if you wanna add weight then eat all you want.
But this shouldn't start defining who you are as a person.
Your body doesn't define you.
Sometimes it's in the genes and other times it's your fast metabolism that makes you look like that.
And at times God just wants you to be like that🤷🏿‍♀.
 Stop letting your body size define you,
You're beautiful,you're handsome,you're unique and there is more to you than just how you look.
Don't forget that.🦋

BUT YOU NEVER DID

Awkward title? Maybe. Maybe maybe😌.

I hope I've got you thinking now and your "udaku" spirits are on."What didn't I ever do?"Exactly.

I have a feeling, I have talked about this before somewhere with some friends or on some other article but I'll still go ahead and drop this here.

Do you ever plan for something like PLAN PLAN for something?

Cause I have like a million times then somewhere along the way there forgotten to do those things. And no I'm not talking about assignments or homework😌 for that I won't judge you, I also didn't do many of those.

But seriously.

We've all had these dreams and visions that look nice when we talk about them. The last term of my high school I wrote a bucket list and I was telling myself " I'll dance" " I'll act" " I'll do this and do that"

Yea it's exciting I'm telling you it is. Drawing that picture in your head is so beautiful, like wow I'll look so wow doing that.

But the time gets there and you don't do anything about it. The things that excite you, you keep dreaming but never acting on them. And it's really sad. At the end of the day we realize we really just existed but never lived.

We all plan to do things but never really do.

How many doctors are in classes being teachers instead of performing surgeries?

How many actors are in courts being lawyers?

Many people today are in the wrong places because they simply "NEVER DID".

We can't afford to just dream and not act on those dreams. You can't afford to just say you are a good "speaker" but never speak "good dancer" but never dance "good singer" but never sing. It doesn't work like that.

About three years ago I lost a friend of mine, Keith (May he rest in peace) he was only 16 years old, Keith always told me "Cynthia I can't wait to finish high school then I'll start living my dream life" but he never really got to see the end of High school, Keith never got to actually live, sad isn't it?

Day by day I see teenagers even me sitting on talent, sleeping all day, watching TV, watching vines letting days and life pass by getting older and older only to realize it is a little bit too late to go back on what you've always dreamed of.

You don't wanna wake up one morning and realize you are 68 and old, reflect on your life and regret not doing the things you never did. I know I have so many talents and abilities within me and you do too, but we're not gonna experience life if we don't act on these things.

I've made it my mission each and every day to do something that excites my heart, you should too.

We're young and alive,

Let's Live and live,

I know I want to look back on my life and be proud of what I've done.

SELF FORGIVENESS.

Apologies for being inactive💎.But I'm back. I'd say bigger and better but I'm a small skinny girl so I'll just stick to BETTER🌋⚡.

So..Self Forgiveness.

It is simpling Letting Go.This is a very personal article for me,beacuse I've had a very tough time trying to forgive myself for the things I've done and for the things I've not.Self Forgiveness is letting yourself not blame yourself anylonger...Letting a burden go.A thing that you've been dragging along all your life or maybe half really probably quater 😂well whatever it's been there.
Forgiving yourself is more of making peace with the person you have now become.You might be struggling to change to grow to get better but inside you are still bitter,over the past over who you are.Like Ken Gomeri says,there is a struggle between the person you are an the person you are trying to become.
Suicide had been on my mind like a drug.😂 How do I put it? I was suicidal...Okay that sounds serious,kinda yeah?. For the people who know me, I'm a jumpy person, I laugh a lot,I talk so much,I have psych like all the time, I'm always full of life.People have always known me like that.My primary school life was close to perfect, I perfomed well and everything was beautiful.By God's grace I went to Kabarak,another good high school too. Having 406 in KCPE eveeerrryyyoonnnneee has high expectations with you.So that was me, my parents,teachers,friends and so many more people.So when high school kicked off i was good,or averagely good somewhere there.Then something happened,I don't know at what point exactly but things just changed. I focused on being "popular" more than my studies so it pulled me down but I didn't notice much,so many things were going on in my life.It was around that point in time I started loosing weight,a lot of drama also was going on in my life,It was around that time also that I started comparing myself with other girls.Never in my life had i known how much "ass" meant to people till around then.In form 3 things became worse, my parents were pressuring me to perform well, I read but don't get anything.Teachers didn't like me.I was betrayed by one of my best friends also at that time.And I was SERIOUSLY cutting weight.All the time I went home my parents would say how thin I was getting.Or neighbors or friends.Everyone was commenting on it.My skin is also not that good I have spots all over,so I became insecure.Day by day I got more and more insecure. My "ass" was getting smaller,my collar bones started showing it was just bad.(in my head)Then. my acne also and acne scars.People just wouldn't stop commenting."The world would be a better place without me" that was it. I was simply tired,Just tired.Tired of failing in class,ridicule by teachers,my skin my weight all the drama,pressure from parents.It was getting heavier and heavier and I was so so tired. I don't know how many of you relate but have you ever felt like walking across the road ignoring the cars so that when you are knocked and die no one knows it's suicide.I crossed so many roads carelessly.The worst part was not being understood. Everyone thinks that I'm always okay I'm always laughing. People came to me with their problems and never asked "Cynthia how are you doing today,how does it feel".And it was so painful for me.Luckily God sent one of his angels to me ;John. Sometimes God speaks to you through people.Some days he didn't know what was going on with me but he always reminded me of who I was.And I prayed day in day out,I prayed that God give me strength to push on with life. Some days I sat and yes I blamed myself for cutting, I blamed myself for self shame, I blamed myself for not working hard enough , I blamed myself for looking at myself in that mirror saying "the world would be a better place without me" I blamed myself for self harm.BUT not anymore.
I've had enough and I'm letting it go.
I'm working on the person I am becoming.And me too just like you maybe, I'm trying to make peace with my past.That's the only way I'm gonna live with myself.

So it's okay not to be okay❤ But seat yourself down and have a talk with the things that used to be your demons don't let them hold you back again.
This is my story #iforgivemyself

SOCIAL MEDIA?

This my come out a little ironical because it is because of social media that you've gotten to read this but imma still do this like I always do😊.

This might hit a nerve,but have the courage to read on.
Instagram,WhatsApp,Facebook and Snapchat  even You Tube have kinda created another world for us.
Like we basically live there nowadays..(yes?you agree,I know you do).Think about it really.
Nowadays we spend more time recording instastories,going "live",whatsapp stories,snaps and the likes. People nowadays are traveling to places for vacations,going out with friends,hanging out BUT for all the wrong reasons..So just we could post it.See how many likes we would have,how many comments,how many replies..Sad isn't it?
Personally there was a time I'd make sure I'd post almost everyday.I might not have been going out but I'd dress up and take photos just to post.Then look after every 30 minutes to see how many likes I've gotten.Who has said I look hot.Who thinks I'm pretty.And belive it or not even with my "don't care " attitude I'd delete a post with not so many likes.Why? I'd feel inadequate or just not okay.Yeah.
Well this is why we lose connections. You find a couple seated together but each of them on their own devices.You find families out for dinner but nobody is talking..Everyone is too busy on their own phones.Even Squads.Friends.Big Birthdays and ceremonies but no one is really feeling the momemts..cause everyone is too busy putting something up on Instagram or Snapchat..and slowly we no longer remember what brought us together and all we talk about is "did you see my story?" " wow you should post that "

It's really heartbreaking how we are all loosing the people we've been with all our lives because we spend so much time on our phones and we forget them. We are all faking a happy life on Instagram and living miserably in reality. We keep on fighting to be like a certain influence or a social lite and we forget who we are as people.Girls have gone one to take photos almost completely naked just to get the likes and the comments.We have spent more time on people's Pages on Instagram than we have with them in person.This might hurt but face it.All those followers and "friends" you have on social media don't really care about you,well maybe some do but many don't.So stop throwing away your life because of THEM.

I'm not saying that now we throw away our phones and just delete all our accounts.

BUT.

I'm talking of more life and more from life.

Taking time to laugh with each other and not just because of memes

To know people more than just their statues.

To say to each other how we truly feel and not just plaster smiles on screens.

To truly spend time with friends and family away from phones and laptops.

Let's take time to feel.Cause at the end,when you are at your death bed,you'll want somebody to hold your hand and sing you "amazing grace" as you feel your last moments,not your phone in your hand posting your last instastory.You feel me?